Category: poetry (Page 4 of 7)

Forgiveness

On the paper’s frayed edge, almost torn off, practically discarded, and set back in an emotional hideout, there are words to be spoken.

Words sprout like saplings.  They grow, become the shell encasing the heart’s underbelly, then bark sheds like snake skin and is carved into by renegade colloquial artists.

Words are still words, yet care is not taken to hold them and maintain their original shine and feed then like a growing child.

One rarely looks into the emotional life of a word: how the bloodstains and tire marks initiate the conflict in the music and the broken rules give way to risks and gamble towards a neutered prayer that extinguishes meaning while later allowing a truce.

Constructed during a long span, destined to hurt another being, these words have a time and space woven into a cup that catches everything in between:  the inchoate resentments, the astonished gestures and hidden body language pixelated artificially behind the atrocious tech-social masks.

There is knitting together in a factory that no longer exists, where the pavement’s cracked seams outside Manhattan’s eccentric emplacement cobble together a new fabric of poetry addicted to the night horizon.

Background slots in the mind’s eye where puzzles never fit were easily dissolved allowing the smoke from clouds to drip and disappear ultimately transmogrifying into pastel colors ever changing the morning drug-sky.

Words are like habits.  Habits are chameleons, always there, barely noticeable and once you learn them you’re dead. Yet soon darkness takes all of the attachments.

Words change as human sculptures emerge. Rodin knew this and dreamt the street corner where the homunculi parade born of customs mutated where nature varies timeless images inside the sharp frayed edges.

A serrated river with fixed gargoyles:  the fastened rocks around the careening waters of the witching hour bounds and hums along.   These may be the only fixed words.  Terms rooted to the earth’s rock where any change in the river’s decisions cannot loosen those interminably stubborn sentinels.  This is where thoughts can redeem or corrupt.

Still, with octaves of fear and blind eyes there is an innocent song with part of the divine that cannot attach or explain itself in the interpreted world that so few people really understand.  Often then, few take the time to  imagine that their ownership of civility becomes the loose rocks floating aimlessly in that river Heraclitus never stepped into twice.

And so the mind designs inside emotions.  Solutions are ignored.   Animal instincts sharpen the twin-edged steel and hold the braided handle and that which we explain and exploit occupies all that we have; each precious moment carries something that matters and if it hurts, then that simply is…

The Raw Sign of love

I spent the morning talking and sitting and reliving memories.  Intrusive memories. Memories of her printed on that gruesome day, into writing, into hope, into a calling where I woke up surprised and bedevilled by a morning calling from Paige caught in a fright: “Dad,!  Mom is dead.”

My son’s voice in the background, “Dad please come quick Mom is dead.”

 The statements were  expressed by adults , my kids are adults, they don’t really know that they are adults and they are mired in childhood, enmeshed in a permanent childhood that their mother created  and made seem like it would prolong well into adulthood, a sea, a volcano of love , an engorgement that overcame childhood, and made the child feel like childhood persists , it never ends, it is like a carousal with mom circulating above, and the never ending  perception of being cared for is like a God in and of itself.  A Goddess where choice ventures in and takes hold, yet mother still has a stranglehold where adult choice comes hard like the concrete stoops and stairs firmholding in their awestruck being.

I am enveloped  in the great turmoil of a husband leaving Karen.

Leaving the mother

She forgot who provided for her.

She became an undying mother who forgot her kids are kids and once they are gone she only has the mate whose started it all, and she forgot that deeply and made it her passion to continue her motherhood at all costs.  I resented her for not having gratitude or the basis of what made her motherhood flourish.  I hated her,  I hated her with no excuses.  I hated her for not acknowledging me as the provider and rewarding me sexually for my hard work.  I had a major fucking resentment and I wanted to cheat but I did not.

I still had my pillars of  belief and I felt strongly that she was many things to me: 

she was many things to me

I let the hate taint everything

I let my Italian emotions embroil her passions

I let hate disregard the good

We carried hate into a new level of incomprehensible love turned into a new latitude that any compass would redirect to a colony of ultimate hope. 

 

Fervor is rekindled faith and inwardly we both knew that merciless hostility was the raw sign of love.

 

My children’s mother.

The one who they only know

The one who disappointed me on so many levels.

The mother of my children

The one I disregarded

Hated

Internalized

As the ideal that makes me unsafe

Aggressive

Disruptive to the nines

A codger

A pure Christian

A reluctant agnostic

A God fearing man

A surgeon

An athlete

A spokesman for AA

A hypocrite

A full-scale hater

A man who judges

A man who loves

A parent

A man who hates his plight

A spiritual man

A man who loves all women

A man who won’t take shit

 A man who erupts when it get to be too much

 A man turns around and loves who he hates

Because hate is the other side of love and it means love is  stronger than ever

In the end I am a man who is nothing

Be my friend or not I’m here as a man, here to be viewed and that’s it. 

The Family Amalgam

An amalgam is forced into existence

In families

Of families

With families

Undulating in side-shows of caring

Fabricated with hateful shadows

Creeping and lurking between voices

While the best words reaching for love

Drip off lips like mercury drops of saliva

In an atmosphere of corroding realities

Dressed up for Sunday

With only the best penmanship

All gifts are taken for granted

By giver and receiver alike

While the carriage is forced off the road

By corrections and expectations shot-through

With the bullet holes of love

Always love  

I love you

Don’t you love me anymore?

Until words fall like burnt umber leaves in autumn

Fragmenting underfoot into a mulch

Bearing parts of the family’s collective heart

Disintegrating into a vapid paste for soil

And more words evolve and multiply

Born on the conveyors at church

Surrounding the pews

With revisionist crucifixions and miracles

That graduate into a mystic fodder

For an alchemy where acid tongues still

Kiss their loved ones

Like nothing happened

Octaves of Fire

the old house speaks to the sunset

a hidden pipe leaks momentous secrets

blackwater tears dripping emotions

eccentric histories from a time long gone

a time of electric ambition and magnificent failures

a faulty house off the grid set back from any road

a lone man raises an obscure weathered flag at night

a man born then but alive now

caged in a matter-of-fact form that amused him

his internal dialogue marched thoughts backward

to a time when the city bustled and dreams burned

in upward incendiary octaves of fire

sounding off the authentic passions

that men died for

when new alloys were forged

from incessant attacks of belief

where flocks of birds centered their dizzying heights

on an unfathomable trail

abandoning secular hope

and carving the way like hieroglyphic snakes

roving an undercurrent to the spirit fuse

this set certain beings apart from the crusted hearsay

and nebulous small-talk bubbling in the morass of ordinary men

a conflagration of pitiless ideals soon built cover

oil, diamonds, coal, gold were discovered and hideously sought

fostering derricks to mine the fantasy hopes of man

and it was not long before the idols of the clocktower blessed the day

and women opened up with clandestine ointments

creating a petting zoo of zealots encouraging their demise

new and fertile oils were born

men triumphed their way through oil slicks

and jagged mining camps discovering new uses

for the substances of their failed efforts

then… inside a sullen hour of the day

time declared his birth

and now it is only a man sitting on a porch

watching the threads of his flag fringe

the house

a layered frontice with wrap-around histories

letting light in for the first time

while truth meandered back into the house

settling into dust on the pages of a book

while he is alive now waiting

and watching

and sitting

and listening to the drip drip drip…

 

 

 

Learning to Paint

He purchased two canvasses, several strips of wood, small nails and a heavy staple gun. Using the nails, and making sure they did not protrude, he created two rectangular frames measuring four by three feet. He stretched the dense, rough canvas tightly over the wood fastening the edges on the underside with the staple gun. He was proud of his meticulous construction.   It was his first time preparing canvasses. When propped up on a table, leaning against a blank wall, he admired them.

 

He liked looking at them in their nakedness. He also liked to let his mind run and he imagined what might emerge on each. His eyes focused on the unbroken expanse of white. Freedom bubbled up inside him. This reminded him of the first time he saw a palm tree while visiting Los Angeles from Brooklyn. He decided right then and there that what the world offered was limitless. What he could imagine creating on the stark, receptive white surface paled next to the enormity of real possibility.

 

The openness of the white background would hold his true spirit, all the colors of his life and the gray side. With effort he could mine his darkest secrets and drip pastels onto his sorrow creating a new species of feeling. The hot sun would boil off the interminable into a fragrant mist. He imagined natural light grasping and holding his creations then reflecting his love onto others. They would smile even when the clouds obscured the bluest skies.

 

Suddenly, he felt insignificant, a black dot in an atmosphere of pure white. The white canvas looked back at him and the texture came to life. An array of black dots, geometric and molecular stretched over time and space onto the appearance of pure white. He understood the genius of the blank white canvas hanging in the Louvre.   Though naked and barren, and yearning for the splash of color, the infinite whiteness waited for nothing. It already had, in its possession, the essence of all colors beneath its surface.

 

He also knew that all color was within him. The darkest shadows were as much his as the palisading array of wild flowers on a spring hillside. Just then she arrived. He was going to learn how to paint today…

The Waves Refresh Sorrow While The Sands Gain Strength In Abrasion

 

A scene on a cloudy beach

A hand elevated to the sky

In religious fervor

To the setting sun

Spilling colors

Through the cloud’s veins

The pulse of the sky

The sand

Dripping through the hour glass

An index finger and a thumb

Rub against each other

Like a whisper

Sprinkling the spice of sand onto wounds

 

The sands gain strength in abrasion

As the waves refresh sorrow

Pouring dreams

Into the water’s foam edge

The green of money

Bubbles into ocean’s memory

Caressing bare toes

The waves open new emotions

The rocky bluffs

A dire bass drum

Sounding off inside the silence

After thunder

Creating novel instruments

Hardened and cylindrically brown

As seaweed washes up

Growing elongated tails

The whiplash of wisdom

 

The Dory roaring over the seas

A toy in the bathtub

Scripted from a storybook

Antennae finding new languages

An alien suddenly landing on the beach

Brake dancing on the sand

New architecture to surprise the dunes

 

Sea-life forever hidden

Abalone and its brother’s kaleidoscope

Foam caressing bare toes

A dog running in three circles at once

Barking into waves of fresh sorrow

Time acts with deliberation

As nets filter the congestion of the sea

Jello-mold of the sea

And yield gifts from storied depths

Churned up from a sunken time

 

 

Everything the world wanted

Here inside this moment

Captured and packaged

Heated and cooled

Clarified into bare existence

With a trapped essence

Locked into the membranes

Of mother Earth’s savage indifference

The rising dimension of a mounting wave

Pausing to contemplate

When all life was simpler

Failure is a Funny Ghost

Failure is a funny ghost I saw as a child

It lurked around corners at dusk

When the fields and courts darkened

The air got heavy and the world felt different

Like it was ending…

Then my mother’s voice sounded like an alarm

Telling me to get in

If I pretended not to hear, my father whistled

The original two-minute warning

 

There is trouble out there on the dark streets

In the blind spots between the arc lamps

Streetlights like willows locked in prayer

Yellow paint onto cracked pavement

Exposing hidden bolts and pieces of greased metal

Jewels accidentally thrown to the curb

Sewers with pink balls and other treasures

I would lie prone and peer between the grates

Then at dusk trouble stalked the corners

From around the block past brick stoops

A new element unearthed when the sun fell

It hid from the familiar

On the dark squares where the arc lamps blinked

I pretended not to hear my mother’s voice

A glimpse of failure knocking

That peculiar ghost that I remember

It gave a chill and would come back in a dream

The dream where I walked home at night

And the block was the same without my house being there

Then I felt the cold wet skin of failure

 The bottom

The teasing apart of what is irretrievable

From  what is the gift from the forced dream

And there was a lot of failure in it

Not like anything I felt before in everything I did

Until the bottom took everything with it

Like flypaper falling and careening back and forth

Against and onto the precious attachments in life

All of it went down the storm drain

What I protected and worked for stuck to it

It all went down in a tumult

Through an imperceptible crack in the pavement

As the body blows hit

And took me to my knees

All my creations

All my personal preservations

Dissolved in that clear amber liquid

As I pretended to stand tall

Silently while my insides cried for help

And the force that pushed me past people

Got weaker and started to feel tears

And limp while I tried to walk straight

My vantage point formed soft edges

The burnished corners of a sepia photograph

Harmless and torn

 Stained black from a secret flame inside

A brown-out takes the air back to memory

With the feeling I get from an old photo

The warmth of looking at childhood

With a lens that tells me forgotten stories

From a time when I existed only in photographs

Where I never know if that is really me

Unless you tell me I wasn’t someone else and yes

Wearing a medal on my grade school coat

When I didn’t know what life was throwing at me

There was only pure existence and keen perceptions

And time that slowed into frozen moments

Captured in the butterfly net of childhood reverie

A mantle of surprise

Like a wave splashing my eyes everyday

Faces and voices and hands in three dimensions

Disconnected from words

Those sounds only put into the air for needs

Like the shapes of cumbersome clouds above

And giant ants working in sidewalk crevices

All this felt real

While people forced me to witness their confusion

And it made me shy to the world

It was all an experiment

I didn’t ask questions

Attention to small things was full throttle

And failure had no name

Along with the greased bolts and pieces of broken machines

Cast into the street with the pink rubber balls

And treasures caught in the sewer’s grasp

Like my own memories

So much felt out of reach back then

Inside the unyielding childhood desires

And the want was so strong everyday like crushing waves

While failure wondered what I would call it

And nothing stuck to it yet

Because this was just a rehearsal and a trick

In front of the curtain

All day until the sun went down

Then the mood shifted at dusk

And something changed

Felt different

The air got heavier and caution crept in

Nervousness like cat’s whiskers

Discovered the instinct of failure inside

As darkness covered the basketball courts

Now it wasn’t obvious what to do

The force of testosterone’s headstrong surety stepped back

And scared a new way in

Trouble stalked the corners from around the block

A new element unearthed itself

It hid from the familiar

On the dark squares of the pavement

Where light from the arc lamps blinked

It was the reason your mother’s voice came out now

I pretended not to hear it

A glimpse of failure knocking

Masquerading as sudden intrigue

A cryptic shadow of excitement

In the forbidden mysterious landscape

And as I look back on those old photos

The black and white streets with brick stoops

All carved into my memory

Every chisel and hammer blow on the cave walls

Yet I’ve seen them in magazines and almanacs

As I dared myself to court failure

Meet the fleeting ghosts that had no heart

In all this I had it so good

The warm house with wood paneled study

Orange shag carpet

Sony Trinitron color TV

Comic books piled high

Storing my own vivid secrets from life

Into a part of myself who was very different

From my parents or other people

A slice of soul that didn’t match up

With anyone

From school or the streets

I couldn’t see the mindset

Doing, beating, winning and trouble

So I split myself in two

While I watched from afar

And the other part hesitated and analyzed

And pretended to be part of

Failure was having others notice the difference

Deep down inside the jokes, the lies and bragging

Into the future where the façade crumbles

And that boy in the pictures remembers the man later on

Who still watches from afar and sits squarely

In one seat, one arena, one station

An authentic friend not always permanent but

Present and accepting of failure as a teacher

The Cookie Crumbles

The fragile crust of immature beauty

She sits with her parents

Delicate composure in a sea of confidence

Force spent concealing inner breakage

A lace cookie held with a soft pinch

Dark layers of obscene eye shadow

Hollowed sockets shielded from reprimand

Spider legs arriving as lashes

Haunting the baby-face

The young eyes hiding

Behind the painting of herself

With the aging sentiment

Of a whore ready to crumble

The Caveman

Her hair drifts into a fallen curl

Upturned at the edges of distinct straight ways

Finely nimble columns of shaded blonde

Ropes of mercury gilded along a secret expanse

Her hair lightly touched her shoulder

Like a million hooks into me

A liquid shiver along ribbons of metallic velvet

Head cocked at at an altered angle

Her whisper spoke of deft summer breezes

A rain song

Shudders of fallibility were trapped in her sadness

A shine borrowed from tranquil days

She couldn’t hide

Emotions shed into the flow of her hair

Elastic skin choked over her vertebrae

A stocking-mask taut over a burglars face

Spinal edges poked up through skin in her neck

Parting falling hair

Glistening river rocks

Where the current bulges into curves

Her skin speckled with small black spots

Raised islandic discs of beauty

Coarse hairs like iron filings

These rare insects of dermis

Were they falling from her hair?

Emotional droppings burnished into skin

Brushed with the palm fronds of her hair

I escalated the velocity of my glance into her

Breathing became rapidly shared

A tandem exchange of autonomic functions

Sweat beads multiplied under her eyes

She cocked her head back looking at the sky

I stood and with a firm sweep

Gathered all her hair in my hands and pulled

Her off her feet and into the air

Coming to rest on my shoulder

There was a slight purring sound as I walked home






Spilling Desire’s Plasma


The red sun

A voyeur

The melting sky

Electric yellow crowds the horizon

As it dims onto

Rolling curves

Voluptuous mountains

Evocative hills like breasts

Trembling

Blistering up

Opening cracks in the sky

She sleeps

While she stores her emotions

Daydreams encapsulated

Memories of her storied life

Partitioned revelry

Travels come alive

Woven into dripping webs

From a secret life

Sad windblown trees

Echoing sideways

Missing the glowing moment

At action’s end

In postures of prayer

Swirling eddies of contained desire

Trapped yet coming alive

With new strategies

Stonework from far galaxies

Phallic in its measure

Pleasing pleasure’s center

Coiled and hidden below

Curling into the feathers of nature’s glove

Soft curves flow in both directions

Roots and purple swollen with tumescence

Blending shades with sunsets

Doors open between emotions

Columns bend into water wheels

Spilling desire’s plasma

Capturing an egg

Where a tourniquet becomes a kiss

The erotic erupts into rolling desires

As she casts over herself

A shield of innocence

Like a rope of yellow liquid

Forming a web

As her beauty bleeds into the sky

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