I dreamt her death

I dared her to die

I mustered the courage to push all my force toward her inevitable death

I felt her dying

Others predicted it

A final gust at the end of a hurricane splitting the column bearing the past truths of      unity now fallen to ashes

It was inevitable

Hate and vitriol turned inward fight the battle within the bloodstream

Inside of cells

Tearing viscera

Forcing renegade mutations in the neatly ordered alignments of DNA helices now unwound and crazily strung out into flailing tendrils crying for help

Screaming into the lamp-lit fog of a destitute street

Death feels inward hate mounting

Death feels the crumbling constitution fragmenting along feeling’s interior dirt roads

Hands rub together forming a friction flame

Torrents of hate forge new alloys bent on self-destruction

Teeth sharpen their elements on fire

The engine harnesses the horses toward the cliff’s edge

I saw it all the while

The whole time it was happening

The subtle changes in permanent expressions

Muscles over maxilla draw weapons

Creeping into the brow and marking ruts into countenance

A tint of dark pigment in a sulcus under the eyes

The way the gaze now looks past

Without sweet eye-contact into a blank atmospheric void

Eyes cancelled like bad checks

Feelings gnashing into animated images dancing on the vitreous screen

I couldn’t look into her eyes anymore

The glance charged up the spine

Into outgrowths of inconceivable vocal torrents

Rain punishes the cobblestones of the heart

The heart that I once held in my hands

Hides under a cast-iron veneer

Still beating

Constraints narrowing

Inching inward

Suffocating the free flow of serum

Through vessels narrowing the vision and foresight that once loved immensely and now fights to breathe above water

It is impossible to watch sanely

Where is my medicine?

My fix?

Where did I receive this blessing of watchful gratitude that is filling me up

The blessings of participating in this sinking and the dissolution without wanting to lose myself in in pools of alcoholic oblivion

Where did I gain this footing that helps me keep one step up

One more day sober

One more day present

With spirit entering me from the ether without my will

To nourish my true self

The part that only wants to love unconditionally

I do not know anymore why I have been given this gift where I can bear myself openly to others

Empty the poison from my own prison

Share the pain

Open the vessel to store other’s pain willingly for a short time until

They can take it back transmogrified into the form of joyful medicine

I am blessed

I am blessed

I am blessed

I have something involuntarily that is not mine and it opens my eyes for the first time

It sustains my desire to love like I never have

I can love in a way I have never before

Shine the reflection of a divine gift onto this death that ravaged a life out of sync with existence tearing the fibers of a corporeal being who clung to the earth with nails dragging the firmament up into her chest, dying while trying to use control…

All manner of steel driven into her own flesh attempting to survive and never knowing the peace of spirituality for even a moment before the harrowing wind closed her eyes for the last time in the throes of an anxious way of life always forcing, always venomous, always biting never grateful and then she did not see death coming for even a second.

For some this opens a new volume of tales to come

Born in this moment

A rebirth upon the corpse

Transforming a new version of self

I can feel this

I want to share this

Where this is coming from

 I do not know

I don’t know

I don’t know

I only feel

Gratitude

Immense gratitude

A drive to share with the ones I love

A rebirth and a new day to be alive

For those who I love

A new day

An infinite cascade of feeling gestures

That may not look grand

But if you really look

Really look

Into the eyes

Into the spirit flow

There is infinity waiting

To share this peace

I cannot hold onto it all

It is too much

I cannot balance it all

It spills over

Like gravy made of confetti showering you and only you

With my unconditional love

We must enjoy this manic moment together

This spiritual experience

Born of death

And that is OK

If death initiates a new spiritual height for one who loved that person

That is more than the universe can hope for.

I need you to share it with

I cannot contain it

There is in me an otherworldly explosion

Where words are useless

Words only tarnish and defy the real beauty.